For years I have tired to fill some mold that was not me! Be the guy, straight up, hard worker, clean cut, business man. In some respects BE NORMAL! I was kidding myself. DO I LOOK FUCKING NORMAL TO YOU? I might know how to live in that world. I can dress and mingle among them with no issues. I worked in the business world to make a living. Yes, I did “enjoy” the work. I love working with Databases and programs. I would consider it another form of art if you can see it in 3D and not on paper. However, the cost of getting there was very expensive. The past 6 months I have come to truly realize many things in my life were just wrong. I have found great inner peace with that realization.
Some 20 years ago I buried my heart and feeling. I have not fully opened them since. I never put into those “special” relationships the effort they deserved. The past few weeks I have been weighing the cost of the what if’s. Not a good thing to do. What did learn? The very best thing that did happen was my daughter. I graduated from College. (trust me a feat in itself). Yes there were other times and days there were remarkable. I worked for very awesome clients. But overall I was never truly happy. During this period I made mistakes. Yes I did the right thing made amends when needed and asked to be forgiven. All and All, it appears now I was just going through the motion in regards to life itself.
Now that I do not have to meet that pressure of the family and such. I have started to evolve. I have gone back to some old roots, my music, reading and writings. I have started on new dreams, since all the old dreams have been reached. New goals has given me a great deal of new drive for a new day! I am writing and feel good about that direction. I am getting great feedback overall. Yes that are a few barrier’s, however, overall a new direction has come finally.